Life is amazing. If you really REALLY break it down to a microscopic level-it is pretty freaking amazing. I believe in science-it’s my job-but I also believe in a mighty powerful God. I can’t look at how many variations of cellular structure there and think “gosh, I bet there was one tiny molecule that just happened to exist indefinitely and POOF here are gazillions of cell derivatives” . I would sound pretty ignorant wouldn’t I?
I see my God work every day in thousands of ways but I still find myself doubting him.
I had these huge dreams. Medical school. Kids. Horses. So many big things that now are only a fragment complete. I have an amazing husband and two screaming toddler terrors who are the most amazing little humans ever. I have a farm. I have animals. I have it all…but then I doubt Him.
I spend more time on my knees begging God to help me then I do walking. Maybe it’s because walking is ridiculously hard these days. You see, I’m not getting better-I’m getting worse. My disease really really stinks. I’ve been to the hospital six times in four months. I woke up yesterday with pitting edema in my legs (imagine 42 week preggo woman with cankles) and it took me TWO HOURS to even get dressed and feel halfway normal. My house is a disaster and let’s not even talk about baseboards…
I want to trot a horse into a showring again. I want to have energy to not cancel friend dates. I want to run with my kids outside. I want to feel like a wife to my husband.
My point in all of this late night rambling isn’t to ask for sympathy. I have cried more in self pity and anger than anyone else could do for me. Yes I want to educate-I want people to realize that I’m 28 and SICK. Not little sick but big sick. I want people to know that young people get sick too.
Perhaps my bigger point is- we are all sick in some way shape or form. We all have days where we absolutelly want to give up. Today was that day for me. The kids were crying because they saw a toy they lost like a year ago, my supervisor was mad at me because I forgot for like the tenth day to do something that I really should have done but my brain doesn’t remember things anymore, my Crohn’s was in full force and I can’t hold down anything and I clean one room to realize every other room looks like a crime scene . …it NEVER stops.
So what do I do…I cry ALOT. I pray ALOT. I get up, take a hot shower, get my planner out , read a book, write, watch greys anatomy 💁, the list goes on.
You have to rise. You can’t just dwell on all of the crappy cards you’ve been dealt. Things will change one day.
I know full well that my body will get worse. I get it. I may never show a horse under saddle again but I will be on the rail watch my kids show. I will go to PA school even if I’m 50 when I get in lol. I will continue sharing my story, and maybe, just maybe I can help save someone else and help them realize that in their darkest hour, God is there. When you feel no one and you are overwhelmed hit your knees and RISE. God will be there to help you stand.