Under attack

There’s nothing quite as reassuring as knowing your body is trying to kill itself. When you’ve always been slightly ditzy but then realizing your cells are just as dumb…I mean you would assume at least your hardwiring should work right?

I’m coming up on my 29th birthday Saturday and I think my brain is confused..maybe I have Alzheimer’s? ….like maybe I’m one of those people who is content in thinking the nursing home is really my home?? And I’m actually like 99 instead of 29??? Gah I feel like it.

I’m not complaining- My goal in speaking out is to bring reality to everything. Maybe it’s to sort this out in my brain and make myself feel less insane or maybe it’s to make my readers learn to look beyond the cover and have empathy for everyone they  meet despite their age.

Right now it is 3am 😳 y’all I have taken phenergan, flexeril, AND Benadryl in the last like 10 hours…

WHY am I not comatose????

Any average person would be unconscious as if they had had a night on the town- but NOPE my body doesnt think it needs sleep because who sleeps during battle ??

So the super cool thing about in ring autoimmune is you get to take medicines to FIX YOU but they strip you of any immune system.

Doc :” now don’t be around anyone that even looks sick…wear masks in public spaces….avoid children if possible”

…….

Me: All due respect but I’m a paramedic…Im a mom of toddler boys…this is impossible

Soooo what happens when I work on the truck four days in a row….then,move hay for Pappy….I get some crazy ridiculous sinus/upper respiratory infection… Then I get a giant shot in my hip socket to calm down the raging trocanteric bursitis that’s going …ugh it has been a day.

And I have to teach at the college today….

Everyone has some physical battle. We are never 100%healthy, even if we look like it. I have friends and mentors who are currently battling cancer…some for the first time…some for  multiple times. Some friends have depression-we all battle this at least once- especially if we have a disease to go along with it- or maybe you just had a baby and your hormones are battier than all get out. I get it and I get you. If you ever need a listening ear -I don’t care if I know you or not, I’m here and I get it. These last three years have shown me what being sick means. I have a pharmacy in my kitchen….injections every 2 weeks…at least two doctor appointments every week…but Im alive and fighting this nonsense so I refuse to complain. But I do have days. I have days where I am a sobbing manic mess ready to just give up but then I get over it and try again.

 

Whatever your battle is…you are allowed to hit rock bottom…multiple times….but after that …..shake it  off and get back on your horse (or donkey 😜) and ride it out.

Eat*Bray*Love

Curveball…

Who else has considered signing up to be the guinea pig on this whole head transplant thing? Y’all- I am one setback away from personally dialing up that doc and telling him I’m in.

Ok…maybe not really but a new body sounds pretty nifty right about now- I mean, think about it…you could treat it like a new car-outlaying all the bells and whistles that you ever wanted.

For me-I just want to have my pain decreased and to ride horses again. Today I visited a neurosurgeon to discuss a neurosheath tumor that is encapsulating my S3 nerve in my right hip. I’ve known about it for a month and have been through two MRIs. My doc told me that they are “fairly” certain it is benign so he thinks removal would be far too risky…sooo what am I suppose to do? Limp around the rest of my life? Give up horses for good?

No doc…just no. This curveball is a little much considering I just had hip surgery in March (femural acetabular impingment). I was suppose to be nice and greased up for the next ten years and able to conquer the world!

Obviously not…

Curveballs are funny aren’t they? You never see them coming . For me they are always medical- at least for the last three years- but for you they might be something completely different.

Well-I’m going to fight. I don’t feel like it but I’m going to. People say I’m strong but what they dont see is me wanting to just curl up in a ball and give up…so if that’s how you feel too…then join me. Link virtual arms with me and rise up and fight your battle. We will all survive . We will a make it through .

I thoroughly believe God is letting this happen to me for a reason. I dont know why yet but I’m going to find out…eventually.

As for Pappy, the donkey, he is my saving grace. He comes running up to me every time I go down to the pasture. He is gentle andand understanding. He wants to learn. Maybe I’m meant to just be the crazy donkey lady and drive donkeys around town – that doesn’t sound awful to me!

We will see where this curveball goes. One step at a time.

Eat*Bray*Love

The Jewelry Box

This morning, as I was getting ready, Wesley pulled a drawer out of my mom’s jewelry box and started looking at her “treasures” . I haven’t added anything to it, I’ve kept it the way she had it some 21 years ago when she died.

I use to do the same thing- I would curl up on her bed and start sorting through my favorite things of hers. She kept everything important in there down to concert tickets. It is quite the time capsule.

It was extra special today, because he’s never done that, and today would have been her 54th birthday. I like to think she was there, dancing around in her favorite pearls, just for him to see.

It never gets easier…losing a mom. Twenty one years and I need her here. I need her to play with her grandkids. I need to be able to call her when I have no friends to talk to.

Today is one of those days. It started off horrible with a text from my best friend because I forgot that we were suppose to do something. Things happen and they definitely always happen to me. So on the hardest day of the year I could definitely use her.

…but then I remember the jewelry box. I remember the innocence of looking through it . Back when I had my mom. Back when every day was perfect. Its one of the few things I have of hers and I get to see it every day.

I know she is always with the boys and me. She is in the lives of so many people. With her last breath she donated every viable organ.

I can only hope to be half the person she was and that I can help half the people she did.

I cant wait to see her one day. Oh what a glorious day that will be.

Happy birthday mom

Eat*Bray *Love

Refuge…

So many conversations in our house go like this :

Me: I love you honey

David: How many legs does it have, does it breathe and how many of them….

He knows me well, but the catch is -he is just as tender hearted towards animals as I am. All of our animals have a story that was a time before they came to us. Most of those stories are unimaginable and make you loathe fellow humans.

It’s easy to say that we save these animals…that we give them a place to live and food and love….but the reality is they save us.

Four of our dogs were with me through the roughest time of my life. I won’t get into too much detail but since October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, I feel it needs touching on. I got married young to someone who was initially just mentally and verbally abusive but about one week before the wedding turned physically abusive. Within 24 hours of marriage the abuse became profound. I spent many nights locking myself in the bathroom with Dixie. She was the biggest at the time and would attack him whenever he came near me…for which she received abuse. Right now she is sleeping with her head on my chest just like she did seven years ago.

The first time I tried to leave, a friend of mine barricaded me in his bedroom as my abuser called me , taunted me, saying he was using my dogs as target practice. The only word for that is evil. Thankfully he never hurt them in that way. I waited for him to go to work and loaded all of them in my car and left .

I never looked back.

I spent many nights in my car with my dogs but they were my constant.

They still are.

Now my life is beyond perfect. My dogs are sprawled out on my couch…all five of them. … I have one kitten on my head and the rest are probably sprawled out between bedrooms.

Pappy is asleep in the barn after a full day of play. We worked on ground driving today and he wore a bit for the first time!

There is just so much love that these animals can give. So please don’t ask how I can do it. Please don’t ask if I’ve met my animal quota. It’s the least I can do…because in my darkest days they were and are my refuge …the least I can do is be there refuge too.

Oh and on that note- someone dropped a kitten off tonight ! We came home from dinner and saw it in the driveway…David said : there is no way you can catch it…

Well needless to say I caught him and now he is warm and full from food and water and sleeping. We will figure it out.

 

*if you are reading this and are in a abusive situation please reach out. You are not alone and you CAN survive. They WILL tell you different but they are wrong.

Eat*Bray*Love

The Morphology of the Farm Husband…

When David and I met, I made it pretty clear from the get go that cowboy boots, dirt, messy hair and animals were just part of the package that was me. He 100% knew what he was getting into….ok maybe only 40% knew but still… I grew up following my Papaw around in the earliest hours of the morning to milk the cows. I grew up learning how to tell when the tomatoes were ripe enough to bring in to can for the winter. I grew up knowing what it’s like to get thrown in the dirt…over and over again.

Finding a man that has done that as well is ridiculously HARD.
When I realized that David and I could be a thing, I was in shock…I mean this was this tall, handsome, smart guy and he was looking at me! (Pretty sure he must be blind by this point) Then comes the kicker-have you ever lived on a farm? Do you know anything about horses?
Luckily we hit right in the middle. He grew up with a mom who LOVED animals as much as me and who had grown up on a working farm…so maybe HE hadn’t grown up like me BUT the foundation was there.
I think I knew he was a keeper somewhere around the two month mark. This is about the time he started to realize how deep this farm obcession ran. He, like a lot of men, still eats like he is in high school. With that comes a lot if eggs…so I suggested that he let me buy him a few hens to put in his back yard. He gave me $20 …I came home with 30 birds. 🙈 I ended up rehomeing all but 10 and he had plenty of eggs.  That was the start. I knew that this was my guy.
Ever since then, whenever I call him and start the conversation out “honey I love you” , he has learned to simply ask “how many legs does it have?” He knows there is no point in arguing with me because a farm girl has to have her creatures.
We now have a big 20 acre farm that is a huge work in progress. We have five dogs, four cats , seven chickens, two guineas and of course, a donkey. He humors me everyday as the honey do list gets longer. He let’s me keep four baby chicks in our bathroom until they are big enough to go out. Lastly he takes care of everything while I’m gone.
The last two week’s I’ve been gone periodically due to deploying to the world equestrian games …so the kids and animals were in his hands. I get home Sunday and everyone is alive. House is upside down, but…everyone is alive.
My only thing is when I came down the driveway, Pappy came barreling towards me, braying his little heart out…Something just looked off. Couldn’t really figure out what until he shoves his head into me….David had put his fly mask on UPSIDE DOWN (see below)😂 I didnt even know that was possible.
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So….we are headed in the right direction. One day he will be a true blue farmer but for now I am happy to be content with my farm husband ❤
Eat *Bray*Love

Rise…

Life is amazing. If you really REALLY break it down to a microscopic level-it is pretty freaking amazing. I believe in science-it’s my job-but I also believe in a mighty powerful God. I can’t look at how many variations of cellular structure there and think “gosh, I bet there was one tiny molecule that just happened to exist indefinitely and POOF here are gazillions of cell derivatives” . I would sound pretty ignorant wouldn’t I?

I see my God work every day in thousands of ways but I still find myself doubting him.

I had these huge dreams. Medical school. Kids. Horses. So many big things that now are only a fragment complete. I have an amazing husband and two screaming toddler terrors who are the most amazing little humans ever. I have a farm. I have animals. I have it all…but then I doubt Him.

I spend more time on my knees begging God to help me then I do walking. Maybe it’s because walking is ridiculously hard these days. You see, I’m not getting better-I’m getting worse. My disease really really stinks. I’ve been to the hospital six times in four months. I woke up yesterday with pitting edema in my legs (imagine 42 week preggo woman with cankles) and it took me TWO HOURS to even get dressed and feel halfway normal. My house is a disaster and let’s not even talk about baseboards…

I want to trot a horse into a showring again. I want to have energy to not cancel friend dates. I want to run with my kids outside. I want to feel like a wife to my husband.

My point in all of this late night rambling isn’t to ask for sympathy. I have cried more in self pity and anger than anyone else could do for me. Yes I want to educate-I want people to realize that I’m 28 and SICK. Not little sick but big sick. I want people to know that young people get sick too.

Perhaps my bigger point is- we are all sick in some way shape or form. We all have days where we absolutelly want to give up. Today was that day for me. The kids were crying because they saw a toy they lost like a year ago, my supervisor was mad at me because I forgot for like the tenth day to do something that I really should have done but my brain doesn’t remember things anymore, my Crohn’s was in full force and I can’t hold down anything and I clean one room to realize every other room looks like a crime scene . …it NEVER stops.

So what do I do…I cry ALOT. I pray ALOT. I get up, take a hot shower, get my planner out , read a book, write, watch greys anatomy 💁, the list goes on.

You have to rise. You can’t just dwell on all of the crappy cards you’ve been dealt. Things will change one day.

I know full well that my body will get worse. I get it. I may never show a horse under saddle again but I will be on the rail watch my kids show. I will go to PA school even if I’m 50 when I get in lol. I will continue sharing my story, and maybe, just maybe I can help save someone else and help them realize that in their darkest hour, God is there. When you feel no one and you are overwhelmed hit your knees and RISE. God will be there to help you stand.

Eat*Bray*Love❤

The Annual School Candy Sale-ethically unjust…

The yearly candy fundraiser. The delectable, tasty, melt in your mouth chocolate that every school teacher sends home, with a smile, to the yoga pant clad mother. It is our first year selling candy and at first I was super excited to finally get a go at this whole “school mom” thing…then I got home…I got to my house, already exhausted, and I had two rambunctious toddlers bouncing off every wall of my too tiny home. I NEEDED ENERGY. I started looking for caffeine…there was not a single drop in my house (this is due to my husband clearing out my sodas while I was deployed to world equestrian games💁) and there were no sweets because I haven’t went shopping yet….but then my eyes fall on that very full box of fundraising chocolate … I refrained for an entire ten minutes…

In those ten minutes, Connor stripped naked and peed in the floor, Wesley got put in time out a gazillion times, one of the dogs peed in the floor, diaper got taken off AGAIN…I NEEDED chocolate.

I gave in…I have thoroughly enjoyed a caramel bar and a crispy bar…and LET ME TELL YOU…those 30 seconds of scarfing down a chocolate bar hiding behind the pantry door was the highlight of my day.

Now… I’m begging you…please buy a chocolate bar from me before I buy the entire box…

Sincerely,

One very very very tired toddler mom

Eat*Bray*Love