There’s this group of insanely strong and determined women that have one thing in common- infertility. Many try and try and never get to hold a baby of their own. They go through months and years of pills, injections , IVF and negative tests. These women have a patience that I envy. I have many friends who have never held a test with two pink lines-or worse- those pink lines fade several weeks after conception due to miscarriage.
Then there is me. In my first few years as an “adult” I was told I would require fertility meds to get pregnant…so I was prepared…then the honeymoon surprise baby happened 😂. Two years-almost to the day- our second baby boy came screaming into this world. Neither required medication to be conceived. We are SO BLESSED but I can’t help feeling that God is telling us to not close up shop just yet. About a year ago we started “trying” for the third and last . I’m on month 4 of clomid, an infertility drug aimed towards PCOS and still no pink line.
It’s depressing and frustrating and disheartening. Then it’s easy to feel guilty. “I should be happy I have my two boys, most have none”… “Why would God bless ME with another one when so many of my friends -who are far better than me in their walk with God- can’t even have one child”??.
Then I think of how unfair it is and I argue with God. Why do I have two healthy boys and my friend can’t maintain a pregnancy? Why can people get pregnant and just kill their babies without a care in the world? Why are children in foster care? Why is it so expensive and red tape covered to adopt a child but killing one or abandoning one is a flick of the wrist. Hear me out- IT IS NOT FAIR.
Every night Wesley asks God for a baby sister and I quote” God please can I have a baby sister? Oh and a airplane to share with her. I promise I wont hit her” 😂toddler logic .
We have been reading the book of Genisis this week. Specifically about Sarah and Abraham and the miraculous birth of Isaac. God granted the desire of her heart even though she was far too old and barren.
So we have been praying hard. We have been praying for not only our desires but God’s. Did you know that when Isaac was older, God told abraham to kill Isaac and sacrifice him unto him…just to see if he would trust him? God gives us trials…He wants us to give 100%.
So…I don’t know why I really wrote this today. I dont really care for the world to know about our infertility struggles. After all I still feel ashamed because to me I should “just be thankful” that I have 2 healthy boys. But I felt that God wanted me to share this. To share that maybe you aren’t alone. Maybe you have been trying forever and its not working and you are giving up. Read about Sarah and Abraham. Trust, pray and fast. I know I am.
If we are blessed again, a boy will be Isaac for I am praying to have Abrahams faith…and a girl with have the middle name Marie for Mary because through her pregnancy she had the faith that any mother should have.
If you are struggling too…please reach out. I will pray with you and for you.